U.H.F.

Money For Nothing/Beverly Hillbillies

[Money For Nothing/Dire Straits/1985]

Beverly.
Beverly Hillbillies.

Now, looka here, people, listen to my story,
A little story 'bout a man named Jed.
You know somethin', that poor mountaineer,
They say he barely kept his family fed.
Now lemme tell ya, one day he was shootin'.
Ol' Jed was shootin' at some food.
When all of a sudden, right up from the ground there,
Well, there came a bubblin' crude.

Oil, that is.  Well, maybe you call it
Black gold or Texas tea.
He gonna move next to Mr. Drysdale,
And be a Beverly Hillbilly.

Before you know it, all the kinfolk are a-sayin',
Yeah, Buddy, move away from there.
That litle Clampett got his own cee-ment pond.
That little Clampett, he's a millionaire.

Now everyone said Californy
Is the place that you oughta be.
We got to load up this here truck now.
We got to move to Beverly.

Hills, that is.
Swimmin' pools,
Move-a-move-a-movie stars.

Huh, looka that looka that.
(beverly, beverly, beverly hillbilly)
Y'all come back now, hear?
(beverly, beverly, beverly hillbilly)
(beverly, beverly, beverly hillbilly)

Next week, on U-62, he's back!  And this time, he's mad.
Gandhi II!
No more Mr. Passive Resistance.  He's out to kick some butt.
This is one bad mother.  You don't want to mess with him.
"Don't move, slimeball."
He's a one-man wrecking crew.  But he also knows how to party.
"Gimme a steak.  Medium rare."
There is only one law--his law.
Gandhi II!

They showed up on my doorstep
Just a couple weeks ago.
They looked so sweet and harmless.
Tell me, how was I to know?
They got a little too close to the microwave,
And then much to my surprise,
They grew to forty thousand times their original size.
They started mutatin' right before my eyes, oh my.

Attack of the Radioactive Hamsters from a planet near Mars.
A race from a distant place, they came in UFO's shaped just like Cuban cigars.
Man, oh man, you oughta hear 'em squeal.
Now the whole wide world is their exercise wheel.
Attack of the Radioactive Hamsters from a planet near Mars.

The president, he's in a panic.
The Pentagon, they're in shock.
There's a team of research scientists.
They got 'em workin' 'round the clock.
Now the National Guard is out in my backyard,
And the Marines will be comin' around.
I hope they get these lousy rodents out of my town,
'Cause the property values are goin' way down, now.

Attack of the Radioactive Hamsters from a planet near Mars.
They're back and they're lookin' for a snack,
   and they're not that fond of Burger Kings or salad bars.
I hope they're not plannin' to stay.
Who invited them here anyway?
Attack of the Radioactive Hamsters from a planet near Mars.

Well well, look at that hamster, he's as big as a blimp,
And there's one the size of Central Park.
They're usin' telephone poles to pick their teeth.
They're evil and nasty, and they glow in the dark.
Well don't waste any more of your bullets, boys.
You know it just makes 'em mad when you shoot.
They're gonna stomp us into jelly, and conquer the world.
But you gotta admit, they're really kinda cute now.

Attack of the Radioactive Hamsters from a planet near Mars.
What a racket they're makin', Jack,
   they keep me up at night playin' their electric guitars.
Listen to 'em squeal.
They think the whole stinkin' world is their exercise wheel.
Attack of the Radioactive Hamsters from a planet near Mars.
Hey, Jack, you better watch your back,
   here come those Hamsters from a planet near Mars.

Well, well, it's called the
Attack of the Radioactive Hamsters
From a planet,
A planet near Mars.

[Wild Thing/Tone Loc/1988]

Met this fine young thing at the local Circle K.
She made a date for a half past eight, and I said, "What the hey."
So I journeyed to her crib, and I let myself inside.
That chick was slouched down on the couch.  I think her brain was fried.
Couldn't figure it out, she wouldn't even look at me.
Then I saw her eyes, she was hypnotized.  Cold glued to her TV.
Said, "What's your problem, baby doll?  Let's have a little fling."
She said, "Hey, you fool, now just be cool.
I'm watchin' that Gilligan's Isle Thing."

Isle Thing.
Isle Thing.

Watchin' all night.  Must've been a marathon.
I was bummin', those shows kept comin'.  Here's what was goin' on.
These castaways were stranded on this island out at sea.
One of 'em called Gilligan said, "Let's name it after me!"
He'd mess up every rescue.  Man, that first mate was illin'.
If I was one of them castaways, I think I'd probably kill him.
Just about that time, the telephone began to ring.
She said, "Just let it, my machine'll get it.
We're watchin' the Gilligan's Isle Thing."

Isle Thing.
She loves that Gilligan's Isle Thing.
Isle Thing.
Please, baby baby, please.

I liked the professor.  He always saved their butts.
He could build a nuclear reactor from a couple of coconuts.
She said, "That guy's a genius."  I shook my head and laughed.
I said, "If he's so fly, then tell me why he couldn't build a lousy raft?

And while we're on the subject, I'll tell you one thing for sure.
Those homeboys brought an awful lot for just a three-hour tour."
Then her mom came in the room.  It was kind of embarrassing.
She said, "Hey, you two, I was once like you,
And I love that Gilligan's Isle Thing."

Isle Thing.
She'd watch that Gilligan's Isle Thing.
Please, baby baby, please.

Skipper's in a hammock.  He's lookin' kinda fat.
He'd throw a fit and then he'd hit ol' Gilligan with his hat.
Mrs. Howell got it goin' on, but Mr. Howell was meaner.
Ginger and Mary Ann could've used some funky cold medina.
I was really diggin' this show.  I didn't know what to do.
It kinda looked like I was hooked.  Now I'm an addict too.
I know each episode by heart.  Now I'm the Rerun King.
And on every date we both say up late,
And watch the Gilligan's Isle Thing.

Isle Thing.
Hasta la vista, Little Buddy.
Gilligan's Isle Thing.

[/The Rolling Stones]
[It's Only Rock 'n' Roll (But I Like It)]
If I could stick my hand in my heart,
Spill it all over the stage,
Would it satisfy you, would it slide on by you,
Would you think the boy is strange?
Ain't it stra-a-ange,
If I could win, if I could sing
A love song so divine,
Would it be enough for your cheating heart
If I broke down and cried?
If I cri-i-ied?
I said ah, no, it's only rock 'n' roll, but I like it.
Ah, no, it's only rock 'n' roll, but I like it, like it, yes I do.
I really really really really do do do do do, hey!

[Brown Sugar]
Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields,
Sold in a market down in New Orleans.
Scarred old slaver, know he's doing all right.
Hear him with the women just around midnight.
Brown sugar!
How come you taste so good?
Brown sugar!
Just like a young girl should.

[You Can't Always Get What You Want]
I saw her today at the reception.
A glass of wine in her hand.
I knew she would meet her connection.
At her feet was a footloose man.
You can't always get what you want.
You can't always get what you want.
You can't always get what you want.
But if you try sometimes, you might find
You get what you need.

[Honky Tonk Women]
You need honky tonk women.
Gimme gimme gimme the honky tonk blues.

[Under My Thumb]
Under my thumb, the girl who once had me down.
Under my thumb, the girl who once pushed me around.
It's down to me, yes it is.
The way she talks when she's spoken to.
Down to me, the change has come, she's under my thumb.

[Ruby Tuesday]
So goodbye, Ruby Tuesday.
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day.
Still, I'm gonna miss you.

[Miss You]
Hoo-oo hoo-oo hoo-oo, hoo-oo hoo-oo hoo-oo, hoo-oo hoo-oo.
Hoo-oo hoo-oo hoo-oo, hoo-oo hoo-oo hoo-oo, hoo-oo hoo-oo.

[Sympathy For The Devil]
Please allow me to introduce myself.
I'm a man of wealth and taste.
I've been around for a long, long year,
Stole many a man's soul and faith.
Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name,
'Cause what's puzzling you is the nature of my game.

[Get Off Of My Cloud}
I said hey (hey) you (you) get off of my cloud.
Hey (hey) you (you) get off of my cloud.
Hey (hey) you (you) get off of my cloud.
Don't hang around, 'cause two's a crowd.

[Shattered]
(Shadoobie, shattered.)
(Shadoobie, shattered.)
Laughter, joy and loneliness and sex and sex and sex and sex.
Look at me,
I'm in tatters.
(Shadoobie, shattered.)
I'm shattered,
(Shadoobie, shattered.)

[Let's Spend The Night Together]
This doesn't happen to me every day, wo my.
(Let's spend the night together)
No excuses offered anyway, oh my.
(Let's spend the night together)
I'll satisfy your every need.
(Every need)
And now I know you'll satisfy me.
My my my my my my my my my.

Let's spend the night together.
Now I need you more than ever.
Let's spend the night together.
Now.

[(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction]
I can't get no satisfaction.
I can't get no girly action,
'Cause I've tried (and I've tried) and I've tried (and I've tried)
And I've tried (and I've tried) and I've tried (and I've tried)
I can't get no
I can't get no
I...can't...get...no...
Satisfaction.
Satisfaction.
Satisfaction.
Hey!

Put down your remote control, throw out your TV guide.
Put away your jacket, there's no need to go outside.
Don't you know that we control the horizontal.
We control the vertical, too.
We gonna make a couch potato out of you.
That's what we're goin' to do, now.

Don't change the channel, don't touch that dial.
We got it all on UHF.
Kick off your sneakers 'n' stick around for awhile.
We got it all on UHF.
Don't worry 'bout your laundry, forget about your job.
Just crank up the volume and yank off the knob.
We got it all, we got it all on UHF.

Disconnect the phone, now, leave the dishes in the sink.
You better put away your homework, prime time ain't no time to think.
All you do is make yourself a TV dinner.
Press your face right up against the screen.
We gonna show you things you ain't ever seen.
If you know what I mean, now.

Don't change the channel, don't touch that dial.
We got it all on UHF.
Kick off your sneakers 'n' stick around for awhile.
We got it all on UHF.
Don't worry 'bout your laundry, forget about your job.
Just crank up your volume and yank off your knob.
We got it all, we got it all on UHF.

You can watch us all day, you can watch us all night.
You can watch us any time that you please.
You can sit around and stare at the picture tube
Till your brain turns to cottage cheese.

Well, now, don't change the channel, don't touch that dial.
We got it all on UHF.
Kick off your sneakers 'n' stick around for awhile.
We got it all on UHF.
Don't worry 'bout your laundry, forget about your job.
You gotta crank up the volume, yank off the knob.
We got it all, we got it all on UHF.

Let me be your hog
Let me be your hog now
Oh, babe, baby baby baby baby
Baby baby baby baby

[She Drives Me Crazy/Fine Young Cannibals/1988]

Where'd you learn how to steer?
You do eighty in second gear.
When you drive, I can't relax.
Got your license from Cracker Jacks.
You just hit another tree.
These fender benders are killin' me.

She drives like crazy.
Like no one else.
She drives like crazy.
And I'm afraid for myself.

They'll put you behind bars.
We're not playin' bumper cars.
Did a great figure eight
In the middle of the Interstate.
Tires squeal wherever we go.
Even hitchhikers just say no.

She drives like crazy.
Her car's a mess.
She drives like crazy.
She's got a death wish, I guess.

She's a demon behind the wheel.
Thinks she's drivin' the Batmobile.
Burnin' rubber in school zones.
Runnin' over traffic cones.
Passin' semis on the right.
Now my knuckles are turnin' white.

She drives like crazy.
She'll break our necks.
She drives like crazy.
She always gets into wrecks.

She drives like crazy.
Like no one else.
She drives like crazy.
Now I'm afraid for myself.

I woke up this mornin',
Then I went back to bed.
Said I woke up this mornin',
Then I went right back to bed.
Got a funny kinda feelin',
Like I got broken glass in my underwear,
And a herd of wild pigs is tryin' to chew off my head.
You know what I'm sayin'?

Well, I ain't got no money,
I'm just walkin' down the road.
Said I ain't got no money, honey,
So I'm just walkin' down this lonely old road.
Well, I wish I could get me some money,
But I forgot my automated teller code.

I was born in a paper sack, in the bottom of a sewer.
I had to eat dirt clods for breakfast, my family was so poor,
My daddy was a waitress, my mama sold bathroom tile.
My brothers and sisters all hated me,'cause I was an only child.
I got the blues so bad.
Kinda wish I was dead.
Maybe I'll blow my brains out, mama.
Or maybe I'll, yeah, maybe I'll just go bowlin' instead.

I'm just a no-good, scum-sucking, nose-picking, boot-licking,
   snivelling, grovelling worthless hunk of slime.
Nothin' but a low-down, beer-bellied, bone-headed, pigeon-toed,
   turkey-necked, weasel-faced worthless hunk of slime.
I guess I've got a pretty low self-image,
   maybe it's a chemical imbalance or something.
I should probably go and see a doctor about it when I've got the time.

Aw, make it talk, son, make it talk.

Okay, now make it shut up.

Plagues and famine and pestilence always seem to get me down.
I always feel so miserable whenever I'm around.
I wish somebody would come along, stick a pitchfork through my brain.
I'd flush myself right down the toilet, but I'd just clog up the drain.
I got the blues so bad,
Kinda wish I was dead.
Maybe I'll blow my brains out, mama,
Or maybe I'll go bowling.
Or I just might go bowling.
Maybe I'll just rent some shoes and go bowling.
Maybe I'll join a league, enter a tournament,
   put on a stupid-lookin' shirt and go bowling,
Instead.

There's just one place to go for all your spatula needs:
Spatula City!  Spatula City!
A giant warehouse of spatulas for every occasion.
Thousands to choose from, in every shape, size and color.
And because we eliminate the middle man,
We can sell factory direct to you.
Where do you go when you want to buy name brand spatulas
   at a fraction of retail cost?
Spatula City!  Spatula City!
And this weekend only, take advantage of our special liquidation sale.
Buy nine spatulas, get the tenth for just one penny.

Don't forget, they make great Christmas presents.
And what better way to say, "I Love You" than with the gift of a spatula.
Spatula City!  Spatula City!
"Hello, this is Si Greemsley, president of Spatula City.
I liked their spatulas so much, I bought the company."
Spatual City!  Seven locations.  We're in the Yellow Pages under spatulas.
"My, where did you get that lovely spatula?"
Spatula City.  We sell spatulas, and that's all!"

[Stand/R.E.M./1988]

Spam in the place where I live. (ham and pork)
Think about nutrition, wonder what's inside it now. (oh boy)
Spam in my lunchbox at work. (it's the best)
Really makes a darn good sandwich, any way you slice it at all.

If you're running low, go to the store.
Carry some money to help you buy more.
The tab is there to open the can.
The can is there to hold in the spam.

Oh, spam on the table at home. (ham and pork)
Think about selection, are there different flavors now. (let's eat)
Spam in my office at work. (it's the best)
Think about the stuff it's made from, wonder if it's mystery meat.

If you need a spoon, keep one around.
Carry a thermos to help wash it down.
Now if there's some left, don't just throw it out.
Use it for spackle or bathroom grout, now.

Spam in my pantry at home. (have some more)
Think of expiration, better read the label now. (oh boy)
Spam breakfast, dinner or lunch. (it's the best)
Think about how it's been pre-cooked, wonder if I'll just eat it cold.

Now once you start in, you can't put it down.
Don't leave it sitting or it'll turn brown.
The key is going to open the tin.
The tin is there to keep the spam in.

Oh spam, spam. (ham and pork)
Think about nutrition, wonder what's inside it now. (oh boy)
Spam, spam. (it's the best)
Really makes a darn good sandwich any way you slice it.
Spam in the place where I live. (have some more)
Think about addiction, wonder if I'm a junkie now. (let's eat)

Spam in the place where I work. (you're obsessed)
Think about the way it's processed, wonder if it's some kind of meat.
Spam in the back of my car. (ham and pork)
The tab is there to open the can. (spam any place that you are)
The can is there to open the spam. (spam any place that you are)
Oh spam.

Well, I had two weeks of vacation time coming.
After workin' all year down at Big Roy's Heating and Plumbing.
So one night, when my family and I were gathered round the dinner table, I said,
"Kids...
If you could go anywhere in this great big world, now
Where'd you like to go to?"
They said, "Dad...
We wanna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota."
They picked the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota.

So the very next day we loaded up the car with potato skins and pickled weiners,
Crossword puzzles, Spiderman comics and mama's homemade rhubarb pie,
Pulled out of the driveway, and the neighbors, they all waved goodbye.
And so began our three-day journey.
We picked up a guy holdin' a sign that said "Twine Ball or Bust."
He smelled real bad, and he said his name was Bernie.
I put in a Slim Whitman tape, my wife put on a brand new hair net.
Kids were in the back seat jumpin' up and down, yellin' "Are we there yet?"
And all of us were joined together in one common thought,
As we rolled down the long and winding Interstate in our '53 DeSoto.
We're gonna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota.
We're headin' for the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota.

Oh, we couldn't wait to get there, so we drove straight through for three whole days and nights.
Of course, we stopped for more pickled weiners now and then.
The scenery was just so pretty, boy, I wish the kids could've seen it.
But you can't see out of the side of the car because the windows are completely covered
   with the decals from all the places where we've already been.
Like Elvis-a-Rama, the Tupperware Museum,
The Boll Weevil Monument, and Cranberry World,
The Shuffleboard Hall of Fame, Poodle Dog Rock,
And the Mecca of Albino Squirrels.
We've been to ghost towns, steam parks, wax museums,
And a place where you can drive through the middle of a tree.
Seen alligator farms and tarantula ranches,
But there's still one thing we've gotta see.

Well, we crossed the state line about 6:39,
And we saw the sign that said, "Twine Ball Exit - fifty miles."
Oh, the kids were so happy, they started singing "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" for the
   twenty-seventh time that day.
So we pulled off the road at the last chance gas station,
Got a few more pickled weiners and a diet chocolate soda,
On our way to see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota.
We're gonna see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota.

Finally at 7:37 early Wednesday evening, as the sun was setting in the Minnesota sky,
Out in the distance, on the horizon it appeared to me like a vision before my unbelieving eyes.
We parked the car and walked with awe-filled reverence toward that glorious, huge, majestic sphere.
I was just so overwhelmed by its sheer immensity, I had to pop myself a beer.
Yes, on these hallowed grounds, open 10 to 8 on weekdays, in a little shrine under a makeshift pagoda,
There sits the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota.
I tell you, it's the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota.

Ohhh, what on Earth would make a man decide to do that kind of thing.
Ohhh, windin' up twenty-one thousand, one hundred forty pounds of string.
What was he tryin' to prove?
Who was he tryin' to impress?
Why did he build it?  How did he do it?
It's anybody's guess.
Where did he get the twine?
What was goin' through his mind?
Did it just seem like a good idea at the time?

Well, we walked up beside it, and I warned the kids,
"Now you better not touch it, those ropes are there for a reason."
I said, "Maybe if you're good, I'll tie it to the back of our car, and we can take it home."
But I was only teasin'.
Then we went to the gift shop and stood in line, bought a souvenir miniature ball of twine,
Some window decals, and anything else they'd sell us.
And I bought a couple postcards: "Greetings from the Twine Ball,  wish you were here."
Won't the folks back home be jealous.
I gave our camera to Bernie, and we stood by the ball,
And we all gathered around and said, "Cheese."
Then Bernie ran away with my brand new Instamatic,
But at least we've got our memories.

So we all just stared at the ball for awhile,
And my eyes got moist, but I said with a smile,
"Kids, this here's what America's all about."
Then I started feelin' kinda gooey inside,
And I fell on my knees and I cried and cried.
And that's when those security guards threw us out.
You know, I bet if we unravelled that sucker, it'd roll all the way down to Fargo, North Dakota,
'Cause it's the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota.
I'm talkin' 'bout the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota.

Well, we stayed that night at the Twine Ball Inn.
In the morning we were on our way home again.
But we really didn't wanna leave, that was perfectly clear.
I said, "Folks, I can tell you're all sad to go."
Then I winked my eye and I said, "You know,
I got a funny kinda feeling we'll be coming back again next year."
'Cause I've been all around this great big world and I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather go to
Than the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota.
I said the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota.
Minnesota.
Minnesota.
Minnesota.